Fresher Pressure: You Feeling It?

World renowned scientists gathered last weekend in Lisbon, to discuss a new strain of virus that has gripped the Ashesi Campus, the Fresher Pressure. I was able to get backstage access as one of the reporters for the event managed to get some key moments. This is what I gathered. Viewer discretion is advised.

So ridee, which year group in Ashesi has the freshest girls? 2012? 2013? 2014? 2015? Rumor has it that the Ashesi 2014 gals have already admitted they have blasted. Too blunt? Sorry, but it’s what I’ve heard. I can’t speak for 2013 or 2012, but since y’all are probably reading this imma let y’all decide which year group wears the crown. I’m just saying, these fresher gals got game yo. Before I continue, lemme make this clear, I’m not doing any konkonsa. To the gals who’ll probably feel offended by reading this blog, you have two options: stop reading immediately or think carefully about what I say. Okay, on to the main event! So the Ashesi freshmen arrived on campus during the midsemester break. As such, they never got to meet the rest of the school. The way I see it, the 2012, 2013 and 2014 gals must’ve been expecting “something” ‘cos everyone came back from the break different. It’s not just the new hairdo or the attractive nair polish or the new skin tone (kind courtesy of chocho cream and soap). I’m serious; the whole Berekuso atmosphere has changed. Now, all I smell is competition and fear. Obviously, the competition aspect has to do with the whole“who’s hotter than who” ish. But then what’s the fear aspect? Is it the fear of being ignored, fear of being forgotten, fear of losing your man or maybe a combination of all the above? Smh ladies. Y’all stress yourselves too much. Now I know it’s not all the girls who feel like this, I’m just saying it’s something to think about. For all I know it’s all in my head. #FresherPressure

Where are the guys in all this? Gyming pie!!! At the risk of sounding like a hypocrite, I gotta ask, what is it with guys and muscles? Yeah, it makes you feel “manly” but after that- what next? At this point I’m sure some guys are going like “Mtchew, he no knor”. Well actually I don’t, hence the question. Is it more muscles = more gals? ‘cos if it is, I must’ve skipped that class in kindergarten. I look out the window in the morning and I see all these muscular fresher dudes just standing outside shirtless doing nothing. Seriously, these dudes come out of their rooms everyday to flex their muscles, expose their abs and compliment each other’s bodies (Gay!). Why this ritual? I’m guessing it’s so they can be seen by the ladies. Maybe, there’s a special gal out there, they’re trying to attract with their testosterone. For others, though, they just feel the need to strut their stuff”. Funny thing though, if you ask “them” what they’re doing outside, they’ll say some shit like “I come spy the fog” or “Charle the view dey bee oo”. SMH. Yeah right? It even takes some about 10 minutes to get their towels off the line. The 2012’s, 2013’s and 2014 guys obviously feeling the pressure as I know some of them have started working out and others have also extended their workout routine. Eish boyz! No names necessary. Now, do I feel pressured? Hell yeah! How do y’all expect us skinny guys to make a living in school! I look at Mr so-so-and-so arms, and I’m like “Damn! I better get on that guy’s bad side”. WTF is going on? It’s not like I’m insecure or anything, it’s just that things …….different – and I know I’m not the only one feeling this. So, I’m wondering, is this how the now the 2013’s felt when the 2014’s arrived? #FresherPressure

On top of that people are scared to do anything different from my normal routine otherwise its Fresher Pressure for me. New shoe = Fresher Pressure. New clothes = Fresher Pressure. New Swag = Fresher Pressure. Even too much chicken on your meal at Akorno = Fresher Pressure. Can’t a guy just try something new anymore? Why does everything new have to as a result of Fresher Pressure? Geez! Give us a break yo! According to a friend of mine, it’s supposed to be the other way round: as in the freshmen are the one’s supposed to feel the pressure. So again I ask, WTF is happening? #FresherPressure

This is @jazzyboyjeff reporting for Channel 69 news, over and out!